Won't Change Anything

     I am still having issues coming to terms with how things went last year. I understand so many things could have been worse. I understand I have much to be grateful for. I understand all the good that is out in the world and that has been showered on me, on all of us, during what were months of one step forward, two steps back.
     And yet I still have issues with anxiety sneaking up on me, causing me to freeze mid thought, to need to just sit and scroll through my news feed, to engage in completely mindless activity to numb my thoughts, to keep my mind from racing out of control.
     I struggle with the concept of purpose. How do you know what your purpose is? How do you fulfill it? How do you live it out every day? How can you actually be present in your day to day life in a way that is meaningful and has a positive impact on your environment?
     I mostly keep these questions and doubts in check as I am so busy in my day to day activities. But just when I have the chance to slow down to read or try to ease my way to sleep for the night, my mind decides to take a little wander on its own. It never goes well.
     And then there are moments like today. Clarity seems crystal clear as my purpose melds with my thoughts and actions, as ruled by my heart.
     My co-worker let me know that he wants to buy a copy of my picture book for a little boy he knows that has delayed speech. He said this four year old is just starting to take an interest in books and reading and that my book seems to be the sort that will hold the his interest.
     I have a copy of my book that I will give to my co-worker. I had the idea today to buy a series of small gifts to include with my book, green jars of clay, green balls, Green Goo coloring pages, and markers. I spent several hours walking around town on this sunny, briskly cold day, searching for all these little gifts.
     The quest quieted my mind, kept me engaged in the moment, and made me feel like I was making a small difference. I know it won't change anything for this young boy and his struggles, but I hope it will allow him to feel cared for and thought of, that it will bring happiness, at least for a moment.
     As I went on my journey today I encountered a homeless gentleman. I went in the gas station and bought him some snacks. For less than three dollars I bought cheese and crackers, chocolate chip cookies, and a cola. I know it wasn't that nutritious, but it was comfort food. I know it won't change anything for this man, but my heart felt called and calmed by doing this.
     I walked over to him and asked how he was as I offered him my small token. He thanked me profusely and asked if I wanted to hear his story. I said I did, and I meant it. He told me he broke his arm and it was slow to heal. His right arm sported a battered. dirty cast. He said he was a truck driver and he lost his job. It wasn't long before he lost the place he lived at. He was trying to get to a friend in town that could help him.
     He said I sounded so familiar to him. I have worked in logistics for almost seven years now. It is entirely possible that at one of my jobs I dispatched him on a truck load I was moving for a customer. You never know. We shook hands and wished each other well.
     It won't change anything, but at least for a moment it felt like it changed the world.