Thursday, July 4, 2019

In My Own Way

     I always find any holiday a good time to pause and reflect, on my life, the state of the country, the happenings in the world, or on news from out in the universe. I love to hear about the Mars Rovers and am especially happy about the reflections devoted to the 50th anniversary this month of the Apollo 11 moon landing.
     I have always felt a special connection-as the landing happened shortly after I was born. The family folklore is that my dad took me outside on the night of the moon landings and lifted me high in the air and pointed it out to me-that history was being made right then and he wanted us to share that-even though I was only 4 months old.
     And that is how our lives have been, even during the solar eclipse of a few years ago, my father watching the eclipse from his house a few blocks away, and me watching from my house while home on my lunch break.
     My start of the holiday today-where we celebrate the freedoms that many of us enjoy here in our home country-founded some 243 years ago-has been spent reflecting on how grateful I am that I am able to gather with family later today for a picnic lunch-even as my father has been in hospital rehabilitative care for the past 2 months. We will be visiting him at the little place he is staying at in a small town near where we live. 
     Then I will be able to go see the fireworks display at a park on the lake near the north end of our town. That is a special privilege as well. I will be with my youngest brother-who broke his back just over 4 months ago. Happily, he is recovered enough to do this traditional event.
     At the start of the year, I had many grand ideas and schemes, especially in regards to my hopes for my writing projects. I got off to a great start, meeting with coaches, laying out plans, working with editors and illustrators, and hoping to surpass the successes I had achieved when I made a similar push for goals back in 2011.
     It seemed the perfect time again, with 50 looming on the horizon. And then life. The fearful walk I took for myself with the issues with a potential oral health issue, having to go through the hoops of finding an oral surgeon in network that MIGHT be covered by my insurance, the weeks of waiting until the scheduled biopsies could be done. And then the wait for results-which came back benign-inflammations of unknown origin. And that was when I learned how much I get in my own way.
     If I couldn't fully focus, if I felt like I needed to work on real life issues, I just walked away from all the projects I held dear, I could have written just a page, or just a paragraph, or maybe even a sentence. But I did nothing instead. 
     The time passed anyway, but I made no progress on any of my goals. A lot of good progress has been made in some of our life challenges, but there will be more to come in the following months. And now I realize that I need to make a choice about how I merge my day to day life with my dreams and hopes for my writing. I need to learn to not be my own stumbling block. 
     I need to let go of my desire to take big leaps and make a large showy success of what I am working on, and realize that every small step I take, as long as I keep going, will still bring about the completion of my projects. The path may not be what I envisioned or hoped for, but the destination could be the same or even better.