Somebody Pooped in the Dryer

     This has been a strange time for all of us. We are having to do and say things we have never considered before. I thought last year had been a strange and difficult year. As a writer I like to think that I have an abundance of imagination.
     Everything currently happening right now in our world is beyond anything I ever could have made up for a story. It is all humbling and distressing at the same time. Also, it is a wee bit discouraging as it shows just how much imagination I actually lack.
     I come from generations of worriers, people that have imagined the worst for nigh on centuries. You would have thought I would have been better prepared for a pandemic and shelter in place rules. Apparently I have failed my legacy.
     And just as things keep spiraling out of control and I think it cannot possibly get any stranger, it does.
     I am finally at the point where I can almost laugh about this, so I figure it is time to share on the off chance it might provide a moment distraction and a wee laugh for someone else.
     My husband and I both do laundry, each one chipping in as needed. We tend to not necessarily empty the dryer in the most timely manner once a load of laundry has been dried. He tends to quickly just grab a shirt for work out, as needed, while I tend to grab it all out and set it on top of the dryer, always intending to sort it as some distant future date that never arrives.
     Every once in a while he will grab a shirt out and not snap the dryer door shut. We have five rescue cats, two of whom are really quite elderly now. I am always afraid one of the cats will think that load of clothes looks cozy and will try to jump in the dryer for a nap and then the door will shut and they will die of suffocation or something, fright or annoyance, maybe??
     It turns out I was worrying about totally the wrong thing.
     About a week ago I went to the laundry room and found the dryer door hanging open. I grabbed out all the laundry and tossed it on top of the dryer after I grabbed the shirt out that I wanted to wear to work that day. Yes, I am still able to go to work since I work in logistics and deal with the moving of feed. I even have my document to carry with me in case I need it, to prove I am an essential worker.
     I hurry to get ready for work and fly out the door. It does help that there is now minimal traffic for my morning commute AND that it is much shorter commute than when I was working in downtown GR the past few years.
     I get settled at my desk and as I am working along, I catch a whiff of a strange odor. It almost smells like when they are fertilizing the fields near by with manure, but I know it is not right time for that. It can't be me. I took a shower and my clothes were fresh out of the dryer.
     At least there is no one else from my team in the office and the rest of the people working are at desks that are too far away to get this strange whiff every now and then too.
     After a long day, I am finally home and feeling slightly ambitious still. I head to the laundry room to fold the clothes. And that is when I find it. It is smeared in one of our older hand towels. When that dryer door was open, someone did crawl inside. Maybe they even took a nap. They certainly did not get trapped. The one thing they did do was somebody pooped in the dryer.
     That was about the final straw. I howled. I took the towel and tossed it in the garbage. I sifted through all the laundry. That was the only contamination, the only point of physical contact. It was just the smell that permeated all the rest of the clothes. I got the bleach and sanitizer to clean out the dryer of any lingering odors. I took all the clothes, including the clothes I had on, and through them in the washer again. We normally only use cold water. Not this time.
     I had a nice chat with my husband about how we need to change our process so this NEVER happens again.
     I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy during this time of quarantine. I also hope that none of the rest of you will every have to say that somebody pooped in the dryer.

Won't Change Anything

     I am still having issues coming to terms with how things went last year. I understand so many things could have been worse. I understand I have much to be grateful for. I understand all the good that is out in the world and that has been showered on me, on all of us, during what were months of one step forward, two steps back.
     And yet I still have issues with anxiety sneaking up on me, causing me to freeze mid thought, to need to just sit and scroll through my news feed, to engage in completely mindless activity to numb my thoughts, to keep my mind from racing out of control.
     I struggle with the concept of purpose. How do you know what your purpose is? How do you fulfill it? How do you live it out every day? How can you actually be present in your day to day life in a way that is meaningful and has a positive impact on your environment?
     I mostly keep these questions and doubts in check as I am so busy in my day to day activities. But just when I have the chance to slow down to read or try to ease my way to sleep for the night, my mind decides to take a little wander on its own. It never goes well.
     And then there are moments like today. Clarity seems crystal clear as my purpose melds with my thoughts and actions, as ruled by my heart.
     My co-worker let me know that he wants to buy a copy of my picture book for a little boy he knows that has delayed speech. He said this four year old is just starting to take an interest in books and reading and that my book seems to be the sort that will hold the his interest.
     I have a copy of my book that I will give to my co-worker. I had the idea today to buy a series of small gifts to include with my book, green jars of clay, green balls, Green Goo coloring pages, and markers. I spent several hours walking around town on this sunny, briskly cold day, searching for all these little gifts.
     The quest quieted my mind, kept me engaged in the moment, and made me feel like I was making a small difference. I know it won't change anything for this young boy and his struggles, but I hope it will allow him to feel cared for and thought of, that it will bring happiness, at least for a moment.
     As I went on my journey today I encountered a homeless gentleman. I went in the gas station and bought him some snacks. For less than three dollars I bought cheese and crackers, chocolate chip cookies, and a cola. I know it wasn't that nutritious, but it was comfort food. I know it won't change anything for this man, but my heart felt called and calmed by doing this.
     I walked over to him and asked how he was as I offered him my small token. He thanked me profusely and asked if I wanted to hear his story. I said I did, and I meant it. He told me he broke his arm and it was slow to heal. His right arm sported a battered. dirty cast. He said he was a truck driver and he lost his job. It wasn't long before he lost the place he lived at. He was trying to get to a friend in town that could help him.
     He said I sounded so familiar to him. I have worked in logistics for almost seven years now. It is entirely possible that at one of my jobs I dispatched him on a truck load I was moving for a customer. You never know. We shook hands and wished each other well.
     It won't change anything, but at least for a moment it felt like it changed the world.

And That Has Made the Difference

     The last several years have thrown me for a loop. I have to be honest, some days feel like each moment is spiraling out of control. I was definitely one of those kids that assumed the adults had or should have it all together, whatever that means. Even though a lot of my experiences as a child never proved this theory out, I still operated fervently under that belief well into my thirties, before I realized that day may never come.
     Just when I think I may have mastered a new skill, overcome a difficulty, or adjusted to a new definition of normal, an event or moment will come along to make me rethink my approach or my view of life or the world.
     Some members of my family have struggled with health issues for years, and some have only recently had to face the struggles that many of us will face if we have the privilege of reaching certain ages. As my beloved grandma, who lived to be 99, always said, "Growing old isn't for babies, it's hard work."
     It is hard work. It is humbling. It is frustrating. It is frightening. And there can also be moments of joy and happiness. I had a friend comment to me that caring for a parent isn't any different than caring for a child. My instinct was to scream that is one of the most off base things I have ever heard. I howled in my soul.
     The person meant well. They are currently mired in the day to day of taking care of young children. They have never really had to care for a parent. To me, it is so different, when the roles are reversed. I wanted to shout at my friend, "Your child is healthy and learning and growing. You see a happy outcome coming someday. They will be fully actualized and go live their own grown-up life. That isn't always the case when caring for a parent. Sometimes the best you can hope for is that they will be able to take a few steps again. Sometimes not even that.
     Last year was the year my dad faced many difficulties with his health and I had to take on some active caring that was difficult for him and me, and also my mom. She has observed more than once in the past that she feels I love him more. That is not necessarily true, but to try to explain that might lead to more pain, more words said than need be said, more difficulty than help. She and I have never been the bonded sort that some mothers and daughters are. Any reasons why, really are not relevant any more through these changed times and circumstances.
     My way to deal with how she and I relate with each other has been to avoid conflict by minimizing contact, by being very focused in interactions. But is that really helpful?
     A dear friend of mine had a very loving relationship with her mother. The two of them always an example of what a faith filled parent/child relationship can look like over a lifetime of growing and changing circumstances. I was blessed to be loved by both this ladies. Unfortunately, my dear friend's mother became very ill. Her mother had a brief reprieve and then the illness came back worse then ever. And through their difficult circumstances I was able to watch my friend and her mother continue to care for each other, to watch what it really means in those hard times to love on someone.
     And another friend of mine when through a different type of painful experience as she was betrayed by friends and family after being abused by someone that was supposed to be called for life to love, protect, and honor her. I watched as she rose from the ashes of those experiences, and now feels a calling on her life, to share a different sort of truth with others, to love those that are hard to love. She does this on a daily basis.
     Having these women in my life, leading by their actual examples of words tied to their deeds and triumph over their circumstances each day, has called and convicted me to work on how I interact with the people in my life. I wish I could say it has changed everything dramatically, like magic all pain has gone, but I cannot.
     I can say that it has helped to work a change in me, it has started a healing in my heart and mind. I work on trying to be more present and positive in my own interactions with people, especially my mother. Is it perfect? No. She still has the ability to push just the right button and then I momentarily throw my convictions to the wind and snipe back with my words. Overall though, we have had better conversations, fonder reminisces, and more of an ease in our time spent together. Do I think she feels this? Maybe. I know I feel it. And that has made all the difference.

Mixed Messages

     I am still at that point where I am trying to process all that happened last year. Some events have left more residual damage than you might think. I know it seems like I would have more important things to worry about than old conversations, but some words still sneak up on me, forcing their way to the forefront, even as I have tried to bury them deep in the past.
     That is the power of words, to create or destroy, to lift up or haunt. I try to keep this all in mind as I work at putting words together to tell my tales. I try to remember that the words I tell my own self are every bit as important, that they will either help me grow and improve as I move forward in life, or they will cause me to slip down the bitter, black hole of self pity and self destruction.
     You would think with all the family health and medical problems we experienced in the last year that I would have a bit of left over trauma associated to some of that. But you might not suspect that one of the things that haunts me the most are the off handed remarks made by an old manager in my months late yearly review.
     Nope, it wasn't the text in the middle of the night that my brother broke his back in an accident, or the need to call the ambulance to have my father end up in the hospital/nursing home for months, or the news that my sister needed emergency surgery that has caused me the most nights of lost sleep.
     It was the casual off the cuff remarks of this manager during my review that gutted me. Was there a problem with my work? Nope. I was at the top of my game in my day job as a logistics coordinator. I had the most books of anyone in my department, at the right profit margins, all while keeping customers, shippers, and drivers happy.
     It was while we discussed some of my personal goals that the words were shared that shook me to my core. I mentioned I had set certain personal goals and was having trouble achieving them because-life. Then this manager, that I had respected because he seemed to embody how to live with faith and character in the work place, passed his judgement on me. "Have you ever thought about the fact that this is God's way of saying no?"
     Day and night. Of course I have thought about that. Who wouldn't? But yet, this same manager, if he encounters a difficulty, would never consider that God was saying no to him. He would say that it was just the devil or society trying to keep him from all the blessings that God means for this man to have. Apparently that doesn't carry over to me in this manager's eyes.
     So, why when he encounters a problem is it the world or the devil trying to stop him and when I encounter a problem it means that God has said no? People wonder why folks struggle with the seemingly mixed messages they receive from church leaders.

     I guess it has to do with perspective. He sees himself in a completely heroic light, as a leader, businessman, and faith filled servant. I suppose he views me as a mere caregiver, a subordinate, one that is meant to make easier the work of those called to do great things.
     This caused me to wonder if that is how everyone sees me, to doubt my desires, my dreams, my purpose. This caused all other problems to be just a little bit harder as it chipped away at my self confidence and faith.
     With the help of my family and friends I was able to re-group, to move forward with my dreams, and to edit and change the narrative I am telling myself.
     By changing my perspective I have been able to start to heal. It gives me a fresh outlook on myself and everyone I encounter. Sometimes it is taking a walk that leads to a new view, or reading a new book. Sometimes it is as simple as sitting in a different seat. Sometimes it is doing research on a new story line that opens up my heart and mind to new possibilities.
     Our cat Frosting has taken to sleeping in the bathroom sink. It really seems to have given him a new perspective. He seems a lot calmer now that he has found this new secure sleeping post.
     I hope you are able to find a new perspective this year, one that will open you up to positive possibilities in your life.

Four Year Old Me Knew

     2019 was a year of challenges. Some of the issues were not directly mine, but when those you love hurt or struggle, and there is little you can do to assist them, that is a special pain and stress. It leaves you feeling fatigued, helpless, and like you are totally failing everyone you care about.
     I started the year with so many plans, to further my hopes and dreams. I was trying to build on the momentum and trajectory I had finally achieved back in 2011.
     2011 year was also a year of setbacks, of three steps forward and two steps back. It was a year of turbulence with my day jobs, trying to find work that would be suited to my still new college degree, and the first time I ever had scary health issues.
     And yet my writing dreams seemed to come true. I had a screenplay receive semifinalist status, I made the top ten percent in another screenplay contest, and entered a picture book in a contest, and it would later win a publishing contract.
     Eventually, by 2014, I managed to get three picture books published with my original digital publisher, but then they sold their entire collection. My books were available with the new publisher through their app for a while, but I had no real rights to my stories any more. Then I received the news that they were no longer interested in most of the collection, including my books.
     Since I wrote to them and asked what would happen to mt books, they reverted the rights back to me, but refused to let me have access to the illustrations, not even an option to buy them. This seemed like a slight setback, but I was still optimistic.
     I was still friends with the illustrator of my original picture book. Happily, he was willing to work with me on creating new illustrations for my picture book. It took months of work, the setup of my own publishing imprint, and my husband's computer skills to help format the book, but just before the end of the year we were able to make Green Goo available for the first time in print and also for Kindle.
     So many devastating disappointments in 2019, health issues for friends and family, health scares of my own, treachery by people that should have been guides or offered assistance,  and so many other seeming failures.
     And yet, with help from family and friends, obstacles were overcome, new beginnings achieved, and fresh starts happened. I have known since I was four years old that I wanted to be a writer, that I wanted everyone to be able to read that stories that I created. I am glad this has been achieved. I hope that 2020 will be a year for more writing and producing, more sharing of my stories and yours.
     When you have a moment, please check out the preview of my picture book that is available online. Please see link below.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1675272034?ref_=pe_3052080_397514860

In My Own Way

     I always find any holiday a good time to pause and reflect, on my life, the state of the country, the happenings in the world, or on news from out in the universe. I love to hear about the Mars Rovers and am especially happy about the reflections devoted to the 50th anniversary this month of the Apollo 11 moon landing.

     I have always felt a special connection-as the landing happened shortly after I was born. The family folklore is that my dad took me outside on the night of the moon landings and lifted me high in the air and pointed it out to me-that history was being made right then and he wanted us to share that-even though I was only 4 months old.

     And that is how our lives have been, even during the solar eclipse of a few years ago, my father watching the eclipse from his house a few blocks away, and me watching from my house while home on my lunch break.

     My start of the holiday today-where we celebrate the freedoms that many of us enjoy here in our home country-founded some 243 years ago-has been spent reflecting on how grateful I am that I am able to gather with family later today for a picnic lunch-even as my father has been in hospital rehabilitative care for the past 2 months. We will be visiting him at the little place he is staying at in a small town near where we live. 

     Then I will be able to go see the fireworks display at a park on the lake near the north end of our town. That is a special privilege as well. I will be with my youngest brother-who broke his back just over 4 months ago. Happily, he is recovered enough to do this traditional event.

     At the start of the year, I had many grand ideas and schemes, especially in regards to my hopes for my writing projects. I got off to a great start, meeting with coaches, laying out plans, working with editors and illustrators, and hoping to surpass the successes I had achieved when I made a similar push for goals back in 2011.

     It seemed the perfect time again, with 50 looming on the horizon. And then life. The fearful walk I took for myself with the issues with a potential oral health issue, having to go through the hoops of finding an oral surgeon in network that MIGHT be covered by my insurance, the weeks of waiting until the scheduled biopsies could be done. And then the wait for results-which came back benign-inflammations of unknown origin. And that was when I learned how much I get in my own way.

     If I couldn't fully focus, if I felt like I needed to work on real life issues, I just walked away from all the projects I held dear, I could have written just a page, or just a paragraph, or maybe even a sentence. But I did nothing instead. 

     The time passed anyway, but I made no progress on any of my goals. A lot of good progress has been made in some of our life challenges, but there will be more to come in the following months. And now I realize that I need to make a choice about how I merge my day to day life with my dreams and hopes for my writing. I need to learn to not be my own stumbling block. 

     I need to let go of my desire to take big leaps and make a large showy success of what I am working on, and realize that every small step I take, as long as I keep going, will still bring about the completion of my projects. The path may not be what I envisioned or hoped for, but the destination could be the same or even better.

Real Life Incredibles

     In my day to day life I know so many incredible people that are doing amazing things. They are real life super heroes. They make me want to be a better person, to make better choices, to slow down and really listen to the people that surround me in life.

     I have a dear friend I have known since I was 5 years old. That in itself has been such a gift to me, 4 plus decades of friendship. She was always a leader, even when we were little kids, always a great student, and an all around good kid. And she has become this incredible adult that is doing amazing things in so many communities as a social worker-for children, for those with severe illnesses, and so many more.

     Her latest, most important work of service and of her heart was as she cared for her terminally ill mother. My friend was careful, kind, loving, gentle, and managed to keep her families characteristic humor intact as she posted about their struggles, hopes, fears, and happy moments, even in this.

     She leads by her example. It makes me want to be a better daughter to my mother while I still have the opportunity to do so. My mother and I don't always see eye to eye. She has had issues with severe health problems, depression, and other things  since I was a small child. Somewhere along the way, it ended up contributing to me being a bit head strong, which can be difficult when both parties in a relationship share the same traits. 

     But my friend's example causes me to pause, to really listen, and to remember. My mother's mother is gone, a grandma that I loved dearly. One way I can still actively love my grandma, is to love her daughter and help when I can. This can mean a box of doughnuts from her favorite bakery, a driver to a surgical procedure, or a pan of homemade lasagna-from my dad's recipe.

     I live in the Midwest. We are currently experiencing the thrills of a polar vortex. As exciting as that sounds, it's really not. There are whole populations of people in grave danger because of the extreme cold, my elderly parents being part of one of the vulnerable groups.

     So, the other day started off rather poorly in a series of unfortunate occurrences-a million inches of lake effect snow, and the street plow and sidewalk plow coming through at about the same time. This led to my husband's car being stuck at the end of our driveway. 

     My husband and I were feverishly trying to shovel and shove his car free-when out of the darkness emerged a real life super hero-a gentleman with a truck with a plow-said his work was closed and he was driving around helping people. He helped us free my husband's car and plowed our driveway. 

     I was hoping to ask him to check on my very elderly parents when I was going to pay him. He didn't want any money. I was speechless and started to sob. I hated to ask if he would check on my parents-but he asked what was wrong-and then he wrote their address down and said he would drive right over. 

     He said-"Oh, that's right by my school." It turns out he is the principal of the middle school by my parents house. And he did just that-drove right over and plowed out their whole driveway-so my almost 80 year old father will be able to take my mother to her doctor appointment later this week. 

     I have always been a huge fan of Holland Public Schools for what they do for the students--and I also want to say how grateful I am for what they do for our whole community!