Six Months

     Yesterday the weather was a bit dreary. Ordinarily it is the kind of gray day that I savor. Low, thick clouds, a hint of rain, and cool winds. This day just emphasized the fact to me that summer is quickly slipping away. Already the nights aren't quite as long, the chirp of the crickets has slowed to a less earnest tweet, and the evening breeze brings more chill than refreshment.
     Tied in with these thoughts are memories of many summer evenings spent either in my grandma's backyard or in her den/dining room. This room was on the west side of the house. The lighting at night often gorgeous shades of pink, red, and orange from the setting sun. There was always a fresh breeze that would weave through the trees and shrubs. My grandparents' home was often blessed by a gentle west wind. There was never much of  a need for air conditioning in their home. I can still hear the yearning tone of the call of mourning doves as the days gently wound down, the gray, blues, and purples of twilight swallowing up the last heat of the fading summer days as I gently rocked on the porch swing. These remembrances evoke such secure and happy memories for me.
     Today dawned cool and sunny. Gorgeous, puffy clouds gently floated across the sky as my father and I walked the farmer's market this morning. A gentle breeze caressed us as we strolled among the stalls filled with farm fresh vegetables, plump, juicy fruits, and tantalizing local baked goods. The smell of fresh blueberry doughnuts and peanut butter cookies reminded me of how my grandma loved to bake so she could keep her sweet tooth satisfied. Her cookie jar was always full when we were kids! This thought influenced my shopping choices.
     My father and I took our bag of treats to the local park to watch the kayaks and boats skim across the rolling, gentle waves of Lake Macatawa. It was good to be able to re-enforce old memories while creating new ones. It is hard to believe that six months has gone by already since grandma passed away. The time has mostly flown by. Maybe that is why I making such an effort to cling to and enjoy the moments of each and every ordinary day now.
    I know I am fortunate. I have a treasure chest full of memories that I can pull out at any moment and enjoy. Because I had my grandma for so long, I can still hear her voice as she often called me doll and how her voice would trail off as she said good-bye at the end of a phone conversation.
     Many years ago my grandma's second son passed away. This was a sudden, shocking loss for our family when my uncle died. I can still remember hearing about his three year old grandson's fresh grief several months later. When asked why he was crying, he said it was because he could no longer hear his paw paws voice in his head. I understood this right away. It was like his grandpa had died all over again, but in an even more permanent way.
     I suppose this is why I sometimes like to reflect and conjure up as many images and sounds as I can that I associate with my grandma, to keep her memory, her voice, her self, alive in my heart.

Johnny Cash singing "I'll Fly Away."

                                          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uA4JyAONd_I

Lurking

     The heat and humidity have been oppressive the last few weeks, at least to me. I cringe when the temperature exceeds 90 degrees. I always say that I prefer winter, as I can put on as much clothing as necessary, but no one wants to see me stripped down at work, plus it just wouldn't be allowed, dress codes being what they are at my job.
     As I was driving my friends home from work last night, I had the window rolled down and let the cool fresh air stream inside my car. It was my lucky night, the storms of yesterday having brought down the humidity and the temperature. At midnight the temp hovered in the lower sixties. One of my co-workers began lamenting the fact she had no sweater or sweatshirt. I laughed and said this night was meant for me, to make up for summer's misery.
     After I had dropped everyone else off, I relaxed as I cruised down the highway, the light of the moon guiding my route. And then ,out of no where, came the memory of a summer from maybe a decade ago. It was a late July night much like this. The temperature had plunged into the lower fifties, toying with the forties. I was rejoicing for the fact that it would be great sleeping weather, but when I got home it was nearly a sauna inside. I was staying with my dear grandmother at the time and she had cranked up the furnace. In July. I was flabbergasted. But, she liked to keep her house at near tropical conditions year round.
     The memory of this causes me to smile while my breath catches in my throat, my chest tightens, and tears pool at the edges of my eyes. It has been nearly six months since my grandma passed and sometimes that grief is still lurking just below the surface. But what a great gift to have so many personal memories of her and the times we shared.

True Confession

     The latest project I am involved in has come as quite a surprise to me. I am involved in a project that takes my storybook that was digitally published last year and transforms it into an interactive children's theater program.
     Well, there are really so many aspects of this that are surprising to me. First of all, it is always a pleasant surprise to have such a great opportunity to do something new. Second of all, it is a surprise to be working on a project in a medium that I had never considered working in before.
     Ever since I was a young child and saw Star Wars for the first time, my heart has always been captivated by film. I had wished fervently to work in that industry. Maybe someday I will, maybe someday I won't. If I have learned anything in the last couple years, it is that all things are still possible no matter where you are in your life journey.
     But then there is my weird issue that I have with theater. I must confess-I actually find it somewhat distressing to go to a show. It is my own odd hang up. I have enjoyed every show I have been to, but they have fatigued me. It is difficult to watch the actors in a drama as they bring to life the sufferings of the characters. It is all too real. I actually worry for them as they bring to life such strong emotions.
     I suppose that is why I have always preferred film. The screen separates me from the intensity of what the actors are bringing to the roles they are playing. When I write, I have always pictured the scenes of the story unfolding as a mini film in my mind. I had never seen any of my stories in a theater format.
     That being said, it has been thrilling to have donated my time and efforts to the writing of a base script for the interactive children's theater experience presentation of my storybook Green Goo. I am very much looking forward to seeing it performed live at Deanna's Playhouse July 9-12. The show time is 10am. The tickets are $5 a person. I am most looking forward to the songs that Mindy Gerdes has written for this presentation!
     In an effort to aid True JEM Productions in this presentation, a Kickstarter Campaign has been started. I have made a donation to this as well. Hopefully other folks will consider joining me in helping out this theater company in launching their learning programs for kids.
     There is even an amusing video interview with the rather awkward author of Green Goo. All you have to do to find out more is follow the link to watch the brief and informative video.

  http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/110156785/green-goo-a-live-action-play-just-for-kids

Sometimes I Forget

     As a writer, I know the value of words. I put such time, effort, and agonizing into putting words together in such a way as to carefully craft the image or emotion I mean to convey to the readers of my stories or posts.
     And yet, in my everyday life I can lose sight of what I know to be true. It is easy to get overwhelmed by day to day events and sometimes I forget.
     Sometimes I am careless with the what I treasure most-the words I choose to use and share. And this can negatively affect what I treasure most of all-the people I come in contact with in my daily life. I am fortunate to be blessed with so many positively influential people among my friends, family, and co-workers.
     They often say or do things that cause me to pause and reflect on what I am saying or doing. The other day a co-worker said something simple, to the effect of, "Heaven forgive me for what I am saying," and this was enough to make me pause and realize what I was contributing in a positive or negative way to the conversation at hand.
     Upon further reflection, I realized that all too often when I am speaking out of a place of fear or worry, I let all my convictions about speaking with care and caution disappear. This incident has allowed me to really consider how and what I communicate with the people I am in community with on a daily basis. She may not realize it, but this co-worker woke me up to an area in my own communication skills that I want and need to work on.
     Later in the evening this same co-worker was reading something on her phone and chuckling away. I was hopeful that she would share with me the details of what ever amusing anecdote she was reading. When she was done she turned and said to me, "That was really cute!" I was confused. Then she said, "Oh, I thought you knew. I downloaded your book!" That was one of the best compliments I have ever received on my writing!
     A few days later a letter was given to me from another co-worker that was moving on to new job. This was someone that I had worked with closely on several projects and have become good friends with as well. We have lifted each other up through a difficult situation and encouraged each other on our writing journeys. His note confirmed for me that he was appreciative of the same facts that I was. And it was such a shining moment for me to realize that I had helped a fellow writer out in the ways that he stated in his letter.
     I am glad I am still receptive to teachable moments. I still have a lot to learn as travel along. These moments this week reinforced the importance of taking caring with the words you say and put into print. You never know who you might be lifting up or encouraging or giving strength to with what you say.
     To encourage a writer friend of mine-I want to share a link to his blog. He writes really great music reviews. After reading many of them-I have learned much and found new artists to enjoy!

http://brettbilledeau.blogspot.com/

     On another note, I will be posting more later about my little storybook turned play. "Green Goo" will soon be on the stage. I am excited to see where this journey of words takes me!

Speaking of Change...

     Ever since the beginning of my career in production manufacturing, I have had to get used to the idea of logos to convey concepts in large group settings. One of the popular ones has always been the one that deals with the concept of change being good.
     Another one that is every popular right now is the concept that we need to be flexible in this ever changing world stage for manufacturing. Both of these concepts can be quite wearing on the average individual. Most of us are creatures of habit, homebodies that like to know what we can reasonably expect to experience out of each day we encounter.
     In a round about way, I actually address some of these very issues within the pages of the children's storybook that I wrote a while back. On the surface, the story seems to be a fun rhyming book that is a description of what happens when a little boy is disappointed by the pile of food he finds on his plate at dinner time.
     But as the story progresses, the reader gets a real feel for what is going on in the boy's mind. His imagination is on fire. It is being fueled by his fears. He doesn't like the smell, look, or texture of what he has found on his plate. He is soon overwhelmed by his anxiety and his fear that his sister may make fun of him.
     His parents then step in and provide the nurturing understanding that he needs in that moment. They describe to him what the food is and how it is made. As the young boy replaces his fear with information, he is able to make the empowering choice of trying something new. With his new found confidence, he discovers he really does like the new food.
     I have found that the basic concepts I share throughout the story are at the root of what I need to do to keep moving forward towards a successful, fulfilling, happy life. If I diligently seek out information through reading, seeking advice of peers and mentors, and through experimenting with new situations; I am also better able to make empowered choices and am able to help others do the same.
     Change is still overwhelming at times, but I am learning how to embrace it; whether it is in seeking to change the format of my blog, creating a script version of my storybook, or transferring to a new department at my day job. Being equipped with information is one way to reign to embrace change in a positive way. It isn't easy to make changes, but it can be very rewarding and lead to unimagined success.

http://www.gvsu.edu/successstory/story.htm?storyId=DB966F5FA9BAC3D9E0403D94210A763E

Milestone

     A friend of mine explained time this way---the days seem to drag by, but the years are flying by now. That is often how I perceive time as well. The details of the every day stresses I encounter can bog me down if I let them. I often get caught up in day to day events either at work, at home, or in the news. This causes me to think that life is more difficult or that choices or opportunities are dwindling.
     But if I just calm down and look at the larger milestones of life, I realize how much has changed for the better or how much is up to the choices I make-whether of attitude or action.
     When I realized that this month marked the year anniversary of my keeping a blog, I was suddenly paralyzed and at a loss for words. I wondered what exactly I had learned from this process of publicily sharing my words. I suddenly felt the pressure of needing to say something profound to mark this moment.
     This only increased when I realized it would also be my 40th posting. That seems like such a serious number. Such a commitment. But what does it really say? What have I actually learned through this process, or in the last year for that matter?
     I have spent the last three weeks pondering this as I have been overwhelmed with the idea that I must search for some great truth to share. There must be something I have learned this past year that matters, to me, or to the reader I might be sharing with.
     Today, as the sun pours in my living room, I have decided to let myself off the hook. I may not have learned any great truths this year, but I have come to several small conclusions that have helped me out greatly.
     A former co-worker used to tell me to not worry about problems. If you step back and leave an issue alone, it will often sort itself out. I did not believe anything could be that easy. This year I decided to try this approach to work and life issues and happily discovered that it was true some of the time. The real root of that truth lies in my realizing what are actually my issues to do deal with and what issues I should just let go.
     Anxiety is insidious and can color how I feel about even day to day details. My way of finally dealing with this has been to embrace and enjoy the mundane moments of every day. At work, this meant finding the satisfaction and elegance in simple things. I have a colleague that is a capable and intuitive machinist. I am rather hopeless when it comes to mechanical repairs. It was hard for me to have to ask for help in problem solving. When I finally cornered my ego and was able to seek the help I needed, I could then appreciate the beauty in watching an expert set about their work, gathering the right tools for the job, laying out all the supplies, and delving into the working parts of the press or die.
     I was now able to understand the phrase about poetry in motion as I watched people engage in the every day around them. I found a new joy in watching a someone cook a meal, in watching my husband play with one of our cats. Slowing down my interactions with life allowed me to really see the beauty and joy that is abundant in every day if I calm myself enough to accept it.
     I also again learned the importance of not holding myself up to my perception of the achievements of others or to the trajectory that I have imagined my work or goals should be taking me. After spending years chasing dreams about writing and sharing my works with others, I was certain I had finally paid all my necessary dues and it would all be falling into place.
     Then I began to feel anxious that I wasn't meeting my self imposed goals and deadlines. I feared that I was not making any progress. Until a friend asked a simple question and that forced me to stop panicking and really reflect on what I have been doing the past several years.
     I keep taking steps forward. I keep learning. I keep sharing. I need to just keep my imagination and musings in check-and guide them so they work for me and don't overwhelm me. If I can just remember all the little things I have learned this past year and interject them into my every day, I will keep learning and growing and finding the happiness and beauty that surround me.

Unsung Super Heroes=Teachers

     I have had the privilege of being out in the community to share my storybook with students at schools, children at play centers, and at a children's museum. It has been a pleasure for me to engage with these children and talk about books, reading, writing, and story telling.
     The children have offered up amazing insights, encouraging words, and treasured moments. One of these moments occurred  when a student immediately noticed one of the little jokes I included in my storybook about the main character having ants in his pants. It was gratifying to see the student pick out the small details that I labored over in my story telling.
     The main reason I have had such success in these setting has been due in large part to the teachers that have let me come into their classrooms, be a part of their day's programming, and have guided the sometimes lively classroom discussions.
     I always appreciated my teachers when I was a child, but seeing them in action as an adult has given me a whole new appreciation for all that they do within every moment of their day. I was so impressed with how they help keep focused children as young as 3-4 and teach them how to ask questions, how to talk to each other and other adults, and how encouraging they were to each child. It amazed me how much skill it takes to help students be fully engaged.
     These reading and speaking events have been a learning experience for me on so many levels. I have learned how to communicate with larger groups of people which has been a great area of growth for me since I tend to be rather reserved, to shy. It has helped me learn better how people receive the stories that I have to tell and has helped me learn more about the whole process of our shared stories.
     One of my favorite parts of these speaking engagements has been seeing these fabulous teachers/leaders in action, watching them instill confidence, skills, and leadership in these children who will one day be leaders themselves. I hope I have been as much of an encouragement to all of them as they have been to me.
     I love being able to share my love of reading, writing, and storytelling. I really think that when these skills are honed from a young age it truly helps develop people as leaders-whether they become future teachers, community leaders, or leaders on a larger scale, they will have the skills to be a leader in their own lives and that is one of the greatest gifts we can help instill in others.