Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Unexpected Mercy

     So, sometimes I get really stressed out. About things I can not control. About things I can not change. Really, it is one of my worst habits. My worry about an issue will take root in my mind and the tendrils of the problem will stretch and grow in the ample fertilization of my imagination.
     My day job currently has me in training as a technical operator at a start up company here in Michigan. Unfortunately for me and the company-Michigan is in a tough economic situation and there have been work stoppages and temporary layoffs. It has created a stressful work environment. There is a sea of uncertainty that I feel I am drowning in each day I am at work. There is misinformation, missed cues, miscommunications. This leads to tensions and fighting amongst people that really need to be united so that we can endure the peculiar situation that we have found ourselves involved in.
     I often say that we are becoming our own odd society, being left to our own devices. Think "Lord of the Flies." That should present a clear image as to how tense the situations can be. I feverishly check news sources to ascertain whether or not our predicament might change, if there is any hope of a different outcome. The news appears to get worse and worse.
     There is fighting amongst different departments and harsh words and accusations abound. The work environemnt becomes not just unpleasant, but toxic. The stress permeates all areas of my life, even sleep-which used to be a sanctuary for me, is now filled with nightmares.
     And then, just when you think it can't get worse than it is, it does. A leader that doesn't know the entire situation gathers a group of people together to berate them. It is unexpected. They are blind sided. It is stunning to be treated in this manner. We're supposed to be in this together. This moment clearly shows the divisions among us. We are on a precipice. There may be no turning back.
     I am a patient person. I can take a lot. I tend toward being a quiet, peaceable person. This episode sickens me. No one deserves to be treated like this. Our leaderships displaced frustration is bringing us all down. I am frustrated to the point of almost making a stand. I have the urge to stand up during our leader's tirade and simply say, "I quit." But the phrase is so foreign to me, even though it is my heart's longing, I can not do it. I also can not handle the fear that would come with such a statement-being the focal point of attention, of perhaps another person's wrath, of all the things that could go wrong. I need the security that the job brings, however short lived it may be. I can not be the one to pull the plug on it.
     I am visibly upset when I get home. I explain the situation to my husband. And he doesn't belittle my feelings. In fact, he says-the next time something like this happens and you feel you need to make a stand for yourself or someone else, do it. We'll sort out the details later.
     Now, I won't just give up or quit and walk away. It truly is not my style. However, knowing that my husband trusts my judgement and cares more about me than any financial situation was the gift of mercy that I needed. It cut my anxiety in half. Or more. A great weight was lifted from me. I don't have to feel trapped by my circumstances any more. Feeling I do have a choice makes all the difference in the world.. Even if I never exercise that horrible choice, I have the freedom to do so if I must. It is such a restorative feeling. I had been feeling broken, but not any more.


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