Saturday, January 11, 2020

Mixed Messages

     I am still at that point where I am trying to process all that happened last year. Some events have left more residual damage than you might think. I know it seems like I would have more important things to worry about than old conversations, but some words still sneak up on me, forcing their way to the forefront, even as I have tried to bury them deep in the past.
     That is the power of words, to create or destroy, to lift up or haunt. I try to keep this all in mind as I work at putting words together to tell my tales. I try to remember that the words I tell my own self are every bit as important, that they will either help me grow and improve as I move forward in life, or they will cause me to slip down the bitter, black hole of self pity and self destruction.
     You would think with all the family health and medical problems we experienced in the last year that I would have a bit of left over trauma associated to some of that. But you might not suspect that one of the things that haunts me the most are the off handed remarks made by an old manager in my months late yearly review.
     Nope, it wasn't the text in the middle of the night that my brother broke his back in an accident, or the need to call the ambulance to have my father end up in the hospital/nursing home for months, or the news that my sister needed emergency surgery that has caused me the most nights of lost sleep.
     It was the casual off the cuff remarks of this manager during my review that gutted me. Was there a problem with my work? Nope. I was at the top of my game in my day job as a logistics coordinator. I had the most books of anyone in my department, at the right profit margins, all while keeping customers, shippers, and drivers happy.
     It was while we discussed some of my personal goals that the words were shared that shook me to my core. I mentioned I had set certain personal goals and was having trouble achieving them because-life. Then this manager, that I had respected because he seemed to embody how to live with faith and character in the work place, passed his judgement on me. "Have you ever thought about the fact that this is God's way of saying no?"
     Day and night. Of course I have thought about that. Who wouldn't? But yet, this same manager, if he encounters a difficulty, would never consider that God was saying no to him. He would say that it was just the devil or society trying to keep him from all the blessings that God means for this man to have. Apparently that doesn't carry over to me in this manager's eyes.
     So, why when he encounters a problem is it the world or the devil trying to stop him and when I encounter a problem it means that God has said no? People wonder why folks struggle with the seemingly mixed messages they receive from church leaders.
     I guess it has to do with perspective. He sees himself in a completely heroic light, as a leader, businessman, and faith filled servant. I suppose he views me as a mere caregiver, a subordinate, one that is meant to make easier the work of those called to do great things.
     This caused me to wonder if that is how everyone sees me, to doubt my desires, my dreams, my purpose. This caused all other problems to be just a little bit harder as it chipped away at my self confidence and faith.
     With the help of my family and friends I was able to re-group, to move forward with my dreams, and to edit and change the narrative I am telling myself.
     By changing my perspective I have been able to start to heal. It gives me a fresh outlook on myself and everyone I encounter. Sometimes it is taking a walk that leads to a new view, or reading a new book. Sometimes it is as simple as sitting in a different seat. Sometimes it is doing research on a new story line that opens up my heart and mind to new possibilities.
     Our cat Frosting has taken to sleeping in the bathroom sink. It really seems to have given him a new perspective. He seems a lot calmer now that he has found this new secure sleeping post.
     I hope you are able to find a new perspective this year, one that will open you up to positive possibilities in your life.

2 comments:

  1. First...yes perspective is very important. Second sometimes the devil uses the Godly to ruin that perspective. Example Matthew 16:23 "Jesus turned and said to Peter, get behind me Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns."
    Here, Peter who is seen historically as Godly is used by Satan to chip away at Jesus' perspective.
    So though your boss may be Godly in the circumstance you described above, I think he was acting more like Satan/Peter.
    Third I love the pic of the cat in the sink. When we first moved to this state we had a cat named Sooty - all black - who did the same thing. So that image fills me with a long lost memory.

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    1. Rick, thank you for sharing your thoughts--I appreciate them very much! I love the reference that provides clarity--that even those we see as foundation rocks--had their destructive moments too. I think that helps lead me back to that scripture--that in all things God works toward the good.
      Jim's sister actually took one of our pictures of Frosting in a sink--and turned it into a professional type or portrait. It was one of our favorite Christmas gifts this year.

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