Not Giving Up

     These are strange times. I often wonder, would any of this be any easier if it was NOT happening in 2020? I doubt it. There is just not a way for situations like this to be easy. As my grandma often said-growing old isn't for babies. It is hard work and heart break, just like most transitions, I suppose.

    One of the most helpful things we have done in this journey with my dad and his health issues and surgeries this year has been to call in Hospice. They really do help make the burdens easier to bear. None of this is to say that I am giving up on him, on my dad, on a potential for miracles happening. I hope no one misunderstands this.

    I stood by him in May of 2019 when he didn't want his foot amputated, even when it meant that I, Terri of the Squeamish Stomach, would have to learn how to dress and clean the gaping open wound that was still healing when he came to stay with us in the end of July of last year. I would do just about anything for him. I really would. I don't close the door on any possibilities, on God blessing him with another miracle, but the reality is that time is running out for that. Sometimes the answers we get are not the answers we want, and we need to face those too.

    So now, I need to do other things for him, such as working with the manager of a local funeral home that is helping me to get my dad's military discharge papers. One of his benefits he is entitled to is a burial plot for himself and my mother. I need to be doing these things for him as well, since he can't do them for himself any more. That doesn't mean I am giving up on him, it just means I am caring for him through all the possibilities and outcomes.

    As I move forward in multiple directions while still trying to love my fabulous father in the best ways I know how and in ways I am being guided through with professional help from doctors, nurses, and social workers, I hope that some how, some way my dad knows I am still doing my best for him.  I hope everyone else knows and understands that too.

    At first, I was tormented by the things left behind, the fresh groceries that rotted that week, the week that was just a blur. I had gone grocery shopping after work, we had settled in for our shows and supper, and then we never made it to bed that Friday night as we had to call for an ambulance, and he never made it back home, ever again.

    Then I was tormented by the canned goods and snacks I had bought for his lunches, the sausages, the cookies, and snack cakes, and even the ice creams I had stored in the freezer. I don't like cherry anything, and there was a half gallon of cherry fudge untouched in the freezer waiting for him. It broke my heart every time I saw these things.

    Happily, my brother took the canned sausages. He and my dad used to eat that same type of sausages  out of the can as a snack when my brother was a toddler. They would eat tins of sardines together too. No accounting for tastes, what likes and dislikes you will inherit from your parents.

    And, we did get to celebrate another birthday of my dad's, even with all the chaos of Covid-19 going on, and I had his favorite cherry fudge ice cream I could bring him.

One More Story

     I'm not a classic hoarder. I don't care for the clutter of physical things. I tend to take after my mother's mother. I will throw things out, even if I think there is a possibility I will need them later. When we bought our house, I avoided getting much in the way of furniture for as long as possible. I adored all the empty space. But when it comes to stories, thoughts, emotions, memories-I hold onto every single one, even ones that might seem pointless.

    Why do I do this? I suppose it is some attempt to try to sift through information and make things make sense, to try to understand the why and how of everyday life. We have had a bit of a traumatic summer, even more so than the usual difficulties brought on by a world wide pandemic.

    As my dad said, shortly before he had to have spinal surgery to remove a mass from his spinal cord and get his spine rebuilt, he was just eating his cheeseburger, minding his own business, watching one of his shows on History channel, until suddenly, he wasn't.

    Suddenly we were calling an ambulance, rushing from one hospital to the next, he was undergoing hours and hours of testing, and we were receiving potentially grim information. Massive amounts of medication became necessary to combat pain and the muscle spasms of an unruly nervous system that was overtaking his body. Soon, he was in surgery for 6 hours one day, then 9 hours the next.

    During the days of pretesting and surgeries, he slipped further and further away. The medications caused a deep fog to settle over him. Most of his thoughts and conversations turned either inward or were with people that I could not see. Anytime he touched down in our shared reality, I would cling to any words he said, storing them away in my heart and mind, my precious hoarded treasures. 

    The few minutes before the sedation process began before his big surgery, is when he said, "It's been a good run. Look after your mother." These words left me cringing, wishing he would not say that, as it is no easy task to honor, for a variety of reasons.

    And then he emerged, almost 12 hours later, and was so upset, due to being in even more pain, Pain we thought would be gone, that the surgery would fix. And that was the last coherent moment before he slipped away completely. And his words were full of pain, hurt, and anger over his predicament. Words I wanted to forget, but also held close, replaying whenever they crept to the front of my mind.

    And then, just nothing. Nonsense. Ramblings. Incoherence. Kind words from care givers that mean well, he doesn't mean what he says. Sometimes they never come back, sometimes the delirium is permanent, you just never know.

    Separation due to quarantines and rules about interactions with those in care facilities, loss of time, and for him, further loss of self. 

    Another hospitalization, but at least I can see him. He still knows I am his daughter, but for how long? The next day, the same results, fog, sleep, and fading thoughts.

    And then, oh glorious day, I walk in his room and he is sitting up in his bed. His doctor notices right away the change of mood when dad sees me. He notices dad is instantly grounded in the moment in a way he has not been in over a month.

    Dad starts talking about his woes which leads him to the lyrics of Old Man River from Showboat, so he sings me a verse or two. This leads him to telling me about the time he went with his parents and older brother to Chicago to see the show. He says they rode the train his grandpa Kelly was the conductor on. I know this is true, he has told me this story before. I know it is a real memory, a real piece of him that has come to the surface.

    My heart soars as it is filled with hope. I know this doesn't mean he is cured, that everything is fixed, but it is a hopeful moment, words to cling to and treasure. I am so grateful to hear my dad tell me one more story.

    

The Mystery of the Missing Mandarin Oranges

     When I was a kid I started reading mysteries. Some of my favorites were Trixie Belden, Nancy Drew, and Alfred Hitchcock's The Three Investigators. These books brought me hours of joy and helped me re-frame my every day problems in catchy little thought bubbles for my own personal entertainment.

     This is still something I do to this day when confronted with a problem. It helps me calm down and step back from whatever is causing me anxiety. I create these mini stories to help deal with whatever is frustrating me. Sometimes it helps me find a practical solution, sometimes it gives me just enough space so I can laugh about whatever has happened.

     Last week we decided to have a little indoor picnic, just me, my husband, my brothers, and our parents. We know each household has been vigilant in self care during this time of the pandemic and felt it was possible to do this safely. I planned to do simple foods such as hamburgers, hot dogs, and salads. My mother made a special request for a fruit salad that my dad used to make. I asked him if he remembered the recipe. He did not. He knew the main ingredients but had zero ideas on how much. I knew they got it from their best friend, so I messaged her right away. She was able to send me her list of the ingredients and proportions. I updated my weekly grocery list.

     I try to go shopping once a week for each household I shop for and I go straight from work so I can just keep on the same mask I have wore all day. One day I go shopping for my mother and youngest brother's household, the next day for me, my husband, and my dad.

     It is still a bit of trick getting each thing I needed, but at least I am mostly used to this now. I felt triumphant as I unloaded and put away our groceries. I put all my dad's ready to make foods on the storage table where we keep them so he can get them when we are at work, making his own meals or snacks. I put all the foods for the picnic on a separate area of one of the kitchen counters, tucked behind where I store the canned cat food, I figured that was the best place to store the canned mandarin oranges, marshmallows, and canned pineapple tidbits. Making the fruit salad was at the top of my to do list for the next day, and that was a good thing.

     I was up by 6 A.M. and was surprised to see my dad in his chair already. I decided to get to work on food prep because the salads need plenty of time to chill. I sailed into the kitchen and grabbed my cans of fruit, marshmallows, and the sour cream from the fridge. And then I counted the cans. Something was off. Then I realized the mandarin oranges were missing. I searched the counter. I searched the pantry cupboards. I searched the table with my dad's snacks. Nothing. The case of the missing mandarin oranges had me flummoxed. I knew I bought them. I even double checked the receipt as that was still on the counter. Yep, paid for them. Where could they be?

     I got dad his morning pills. As I was placing his pills on his tray table, along with a drink, I saw the glint of a can in the garbage can by his chair. I reached down and turned the can over. Mystery solved. Apparently my dad had a craving for mandarin oranges in the wee hours of the morning.

     Happily, I had plenty of time to run to the store to get more, some for the salad, and some for my dad.

Still Telling Dad Jokes

     We had to get some blood work done today. My dad needs a CT scan with a contrast dye IV and the doctor needs to be sure dad's kidneys function good enough to handle the dye. It is already complicated getting him there due to his mobility issues. Now there are the additional details of making sure we have masks and hand sanitizer with us.

     Today we had to deal with the weather as well, but even the heat and humidity didn't dampen my dad's sense of humor. I handed him his mask before I backed out of the driveway, telling him he could wait to put it on until we got to the hospital lab. He slipped it on a few minutes later and then said. "Who was that masked man?"

     Once we got called back to have his blood drawn, the phlebotomist asked what arm my dad preferred for the draw. He said, "Is it okay if I say someone else's?" She chuckled and told him that was the perfect answer.

     Reminds of the time when I was seven and I wrote a note on the dry erase board by our phone. "My dad thinks he's funny." My parents thought that was so funny that their little kid was such a critic.  

     Forty plus years later, I am so grateful he is still telling dad jokes.

Unexpected Gifts Galore

     One of the things I had to learn this past year is how to ask for help and how to accept help. This whole pull yourself up by your boot straps and work hard to make something of yourself society we live in can be a great motivating force if all is well and you can adhere to those rules, but the minute even one thing goes wrong, you can end up with a cascading crisis of failures.

     One aspect I had to work to change in myself was to NOT see needing help as personal failure or as me not trying my best, putting forth my best efforts. It also helped when I re-framed the help I was receiving or needing to see it as a gift that was being freely given. This helped calm my stressed out emotions and allowed me to embrace the many gifts being showered on me and my family.

     It reminds me of a happy memory from my childhood, when I used to long for gifts, not just at Christmas and my birthday but on other days too. My mother kept a stash of Little Golden Books wrapped in pastel tissue papers in the cupboard. When I would express my need, that I sure wished someone would give me a gift, she would grab a book from the cupboard, and there was hours of happiness. Well, except the one time when I said, "I sure wish somebody would give me a gift, but not a book."

     So, among the many losses for us this year was the closing of the libraries early in the shelter in place. How would we get our cozy mystery reading fix? Well, my sister the librarian to the rescue. She guided me through the process of downloading and setting up HOOPLA and now I can easily access books from our library, as many as fifteen a month.

     So many things became complicated from the start of quarantine. Simple grocery store trips became shopping excursions, to be planned and executed like a complicated searches for archaeological artifacts. It often took half dozen trips to stores to even find half the items on the various household lists for the families I was shopping for. And then when supplies started being more plentiful, the impact of the closures and new production rules, and absent employees due to outbreaks started to show up in rising product costs. 

     The most disappointing one for me is the generic three pound tube of ground hamburger I used to get at stores pre-pandemic-for anywhere from $7.99-$10.99 depending which store I went to, now at the least expensive of our local groceries stores cost $19.99 for the last three pound tube I bought. We had to get a little creative and make choices to make dishes with more beans and less meat.

     But then we got the most unexpected gift from a friend of mine. Her family bought a whole pig. One week she gave us a huge package of apple wood smoked bacon. We got 6 meals so far for our household out of that package. Then she gave us 3 pounds of different types of ground sausage. I made the most fabulous tacos from some of that last night.

     This same friend and her family came to the rescue when we had to do something about our maple tree that died and needed removal. She and her family came over one night after work and in less than 45 minutes we had two trees cut down, loaded in  their trailer, and all the debris cleaned up. It helps that she has two strong. healthy teenagers, and that her husband is so skilled, quick, and efficient with a chainsaw.

     Then there was the day my brother let me know that he ended up buying a huge quantity of flour online, and did we want some? Yes! I was able to make dozens of cookies that I could gift to friends and family; a set of birthday cookies, graduation cookies, and Memorial day cookies.

     Then there was the sweet note from a friend of mine from high school. She had been out at a store and saw a small bottle of hand sanitizer that was called Green Goo and so she bought me some. It reminded her of me since my first picture book that is now in print is called Green Goo. It is an entirely different type of green goo, but this hand sanitizer is a wonderful and appropriate gift right now. My friend bought me a bottle and left it in a bag on our garage door. I now carry it every where with me, stashed in my purse.

     Some days you get stuck in a rut thinking about all the losses, all that is missing, or being weary from worry about needing help, and then other days you realize how many unexpected gifts you receive, that you have gifts galore.

Will It Ever Get Easier?

     It has been almost a year since our lives were upended yet again. I sort of thought that by now I would be used to the different ways we have to function, the changes in priority, the altered focuses of time and attention.

     I have always been a bit squeamish. I shy away from graphic horror stories and prefer not to watch gory films. I never had a desire to work in the medical field, because I just don't have the stomach for it. I also don't think I have the heart for it either. By that I mean that I would spend my whole time weeping for people instead of being of practical use for them. 

     People used to say to me, "You should consider being a nurse or a doctor or something. You have so much experience dealing with illnesses." This was a reference to the fact that my mother has been chronically ill since I was a small child. While those issues helped grow my heart with compassion for others, it never caused me to have a desire to pursue anything in the medical field. Ever. Just no.

     And then my 79 year old father ended up falling down last year on Mother's Day. I was the one to find him on the floor, not able to help him get back up. This necessitated a ride to the hospital via ambulance. There it was discovered that what might have caused the fall was a preexisting severe injury to his right foot. He had an open wound that was deep and had become infected, all the way into the bones. Since he has peripheral artery disease this exacerbated that injury. One mercy of his having PAD was that he could NOT feel the pain in his foot due to nerve damage, but this was probably why his foot got as bad as it did.

     They wanted to amputate his foot or at the very least his toe and a chunk of bone. He was strictly against that idea. I wish I was more of a graphic description type person so you can understand my horror as I stood and sat at the foot of my father's hospital bed for the long hours during that first day. An infection that deep and that bad has its own intense look and odor. I hope to never witness anything like that EVER again.

     It took months of 24 hour a day IV antibiotics, physical therapy, and medical care all while in nursing home care to save his foot. And then it came time for him to be released. It was clear that he could not go back to be at home with my mother, where he had to care for her, since he could no longer safely care for himself. It was also clear that I would need to be able to do wound care, because at the time of his release on July 31, 2019-his foot still had a gaping open would that had to be cleaned, packed, and bandaged every day. 

     I can still feel the horror it brought me and the fear that I would hurt him as I had to prod the wound, scrape it clean, wash it, re-pack it, and carefully bandage it. It sort of got easier as a matter of practice to go through the steps. And it sort of got better as he actually was able to grow new skin and the wound slowly shrank over months and months of care.

     It is now at the point where the skin is whole. There are calluses that constantly try to grow along the old wound areas that I have been instructed to gently file down. There is the constant battle when I don't notice that he has twisted his sock and worn it that way all day while I am at work or walked funny with his slipper and he ends up with a small blister. And then I am crushed by fear, will we have another issue like last year?

     And then there was the day where he was taking a nap. He was SOUND asleep. I figured I had time to take a shower. I was in need of some hot water therapy. By the time I got out, I discovered he woke up, didn't bother knocking on the bathroom door. He tried and sort of succeeded in going to our half bathroom, but that meant he had to go down 3 steps and he had NOT put on his slippers. And then there was the fact that the toilet in there is much lower to the floor. He was stuck. It took me several minutes to help him figure out how to position his legs and to get his walker sort of in there to help him get back up.

     AND then he said the words I fear the most. His foot hurt. We got him to his chair and with shaking hands I took off his sock. And it was okay. There was no broken skin. He probably just hurt because he usually walks around the house with his slippers with the medical inserts in them. This was just a side effect of having no shoes or slippers on. 

     Most days, once I get done working all day, then get home and tend to my dad's feet and legs, and get all our supper, I am just done. I have nothing left. I have such anxiety building up until I get seated with our medical kit and slowly pull off his slipper and then his sock to do his check. Then the relief that usually washes over me, once I again see how his foot is, wipes me out.

     Only once so far has the anxiety given way to crushing fear. A few months ago when I pulled off his sock I saw the blood blister that nearly caused me to vomit on the spot. The guilt and anxiety were overwhelming. We got him in the very next day to his foot doctor and the foot doctor said we did a great job staying on top of the situation, but still it wore me down.

     And now there are so many tumultuous things happening in our country right now. Things I care about very much. If it had been a few years ago, I would be right out there marching in the protests for so many of these concerns. It was only a few years ago when I participated in a peaceful demonstration about the mistreatment of immigrants/migrants and their children. My heart supports so many different causes, but my mind and body just don't have the wherewithal to physically get out there and participate. It really takes all my energy to help my own household mostly successfully navigate getting through each day. 

     I had hoped that by now it would seem more second nature to me, that I wouldn't struggle with fear and anxiety in regards to helping my dad with some of his health issues. I had hoped it would get easier. I suppose in some small ways it has, but there is still much room for improvement for all of us. 

Afraid of Being Typhoid Terri

     You might think I would be used to this, that sensation of minding your own business, floating through your daily life just intent on surviving, and then life throws dozens of curve balls at you at once. But, nope, you never really get used to that. Some of those past curve balls have somewhat prepared me for this time of shelter in place and quarantine, though.
     For quite a few years I helped take care of my grandma, after my grandpa died. She was really quite healthy and independent and could do most things for herself as long as it didn't require being able to see. She had macular degeneration. I used to drive her to the grocery store, take her to church, and help with some of the chores around her house.
     After a few years, she needed a little more assistance, so I moved in with her. She was a great roommate. I have lots of rather comical stories about our time together, before it became clear she needed more care and had to eventually move to an assisted living facility. Sometime I will share some of those humorous tales with you.
     One of my constant fears back when I was helping her was that I might bring some horrible flu home to her or some other illness. I was always afraid of becoming Typhoid Terri, the girl that killed grandma. That was when I started getting flu shots and taking vitamins, doing the little things I might have scoffed at if it was just a matter of self care. When it came to looking out for the best interests of someone I loved and someone that might be more vulnerable than me, it was an easy choice to do little things like stay up to date on my immunizations and buy the vegetables and things with better nutritional value, not just the corn chips or potato chips I might prefer.
     Now, as a society, we are living with even greater uncertainty with this virus that can be so easily spread. What is the best way to react to it? What precautions should people take? How much is too much? How much is too little?
     This time around, it is not grandma that I am looking out for, this time it is my own father. He was very ill last year because an injury to his foot ended up massively infected. It was a long, arduous process to help him re-gain his health. The doctor initially wanted to amputate a portion of my father's foot. Understandably, my father was very much against that. He is so much better today than he was last year just about this time. BUT-he is still more vulnerable than other people. He is over 80 years old, he has high blood pressure, and we will always have to take great care of his feet and legs due to peripheral artery disease and his illness last year.
     Then there is my mother. She has had a myriad of illnesses since I was a very young child. She now finds herself in the difficult spot of maybe having a bone marrow or blood disease. It has been hard to diagnose. She was hospitalized twice so far this year, needing fluids and blood transfusions both times. The second time she was in the hospital was in March, when things were beginning to be locked down. She has had to miss her regular doctor appointments and her bone biopsy was put on hold due to the fact that she is considered immuno-compromised.
     I work in an essential industry so I am able to go to work still. I also am the volunteer tribute for my household and my mother's in regards to going out to do grocery shopping, get prescriptions, and mail out the bills that still come in even when the whole world seems to be on a lock-down. I wash my hands as if I have OCD. I keep hand sanitizer and general sanitizer at my desk at work, in my car, and in most rooms at our house. 
     And yet, there is still that creeping fear that I will end up being Typhoid Terri, the one who killed her parents. So, that is why I wear the mask, even before it was required. I already learned long ago that sometimes you do things that you might not think you need to do, so that you can protect those that need a little more extra care than you think you need. Do I feel silly wearing a mask? Sometimes. Do I feel restricted by the shelter in place? Sometimes. Could I live with myself if I didn't think I was taking every precaution I can possibly take to protect some of the most valuable and vulnerable people in my life? No, never. This is why I wear the mask.

Somebody Pooped in the Dryer

     This has been a strange time for all of us. We are having to do and say things we have never considered before. I thought last year had been a strange and difficult year. As a writer I like to think that I have an abundance of imagination.
     Everything currently happening right now in our world is beyond anything I ever could have made up for a story. It is all humbling and distressing at the same time. Also, it is a wee bit discouraging as it shows just how much imagination I actually lack.
     I come from generations of worriers, people that have imagined the worst for nigh on centuries. You would have thought I would have been better prepared for a pandemic and shelter in place rules. Apparently I have failed my legacy.
     And just as things keep spiraling out of control and I think it cannot possibly get any stranger, it does.
     I am finally at the point where I can almost laugh about this, so I figure it is time to share on the off chance it might provide a moment distraction and a wee laugh for someone else.
     My husband and I both do laundry, each one chipping in as needed. We tend to not necessarily empty the dryer in the most timely manner once a load of laundry has been dried. He tends to quickly just grab a shirt for work out, as needed, while I tend to grab it all out and set it on top of the dryer, always intending to sort it as some distant future date that never arrives.
     Every once in a while he will grab a shirt out and not snap the dryer door shut. We have five rescue cats, two of whom are really quite elderly now. I am always afraid one of the cats will think that load of clothes looks cozy and will try to jump in the dryer for a nap and then the door will shut and they will die of suffocation or something, fright or annoyance, maybe??
     It turns out I was worrying about totally the wrong thing.
     About a week ago I went to the laundry room and found the dryer door hanging open. I grabbed out all the laundry and tossed it on top of the dryer after I grabbed the shirt out that I wanted to wear to work that day. Yes, I am still able to go to work since I work in logistics and deal with the moving of feed. I even have my document to carry with me in case I need it, to prove I am an essential worker.
     I hurry to get ready for work and fly out the door. It does help that there is now minimal traffic for my morning commute AND that it is much shorter commute than when I was working in downtown GR the past few years.
     I get settled at my desk and as I am working along, I catch a whiff of a strange odor. It almost smells like when they are fertilizing the fields near by with manure, but I know it is not right time for that. It can't be me. I took a shower and my clothes were fresh out of the dryer.
     At least there is no one else from my team in the office and the rest of the people working are at desks that are too far away to get this strange whiff every now and then too.
     After a long day, I am finally home and feeling slightly ambitious still. I head to the laundry room to fold the clothes. And that is when I find it. It is smeared in one of our older hand towels. When that dryer door was open, someone did crawl inside. Maybe they even took a nap. They certainly did not get trapped. The one thing they did do was somebody pooped in the dryer.
     That was about the final straw. I howled. I took the towel and tossed it in the garbage. I sifted through all the laundry. That was the only contamination, the only point of physical contact. It was just the smell that permeated all the rest of the clothes. I got the bleach and sanitizer to clean out the dryer of any lingering odors. I took all the clothes, including the clothes I had on, and through them in the washer again. We normally only use cold water. Not this time.
     I had a nice chat with my husband about how we need to change our process so this NEVER happens again.
     I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy during this time of quarantine. I also hope that none of the rest of you will every have to say that somebody pooped in the dryer.

Won't Change Anything

     I am still having issues coming to terms with how things went last year. I understand so many things could have been worse. I understand I have much to be grateful for. I understand all the good that is out in the world and that has been showered on me, on all of us, during what were months of one step forward, two steps back.
     And yet I still have issues with anxiety sneaking up on me, causing me to freeze mid thought, to need to just sit and scroll through my news feed, to engage in completely mindless activity to numb my thoughts, to keep my mind from racing out of control.
     I struggle with the concept of purpose. How do you know what your purpose is? How do you fulfill it? How do you live it out every day? How can you actually be present in your day to day life in a way that is meaningful and has a positive impact on your environment?
     I mostly keep these questions and doubts in check as I am so busy in my day to day activities. But just when I have the chance to slow down to read or try to ease my way to sleep for the night, my mind decides to take a little wander on its own. It never goes well.
     And then there are moments like today. Clarity seems crystal clear as my purpose melds with my thoughts and actions, as ruled by my heart.
     My co-worker let me know that he wants to buy a copy of my picture book for a little boy he knows that has delayed speech. He said this four year old is just starting to take an interest in books and reading and that my book seems to be the sort that will hold the his interest.
     I have a copy of my book that I will give to my co-worker. I had the idea today to buy a series of small gifts to include with my book, green jars of clay, green balls, Green Goo coloring pages, and markers. I spent several hours walking around town on this sunny, briskly cold day, searching for all these little gifts.
     The quest quieted my mind, kept me engaged in the moment, and made me feel like I was making a small difference. I know it won't change anything for this young boy and his struggles, but I hope it will allow him to feel cared for and thought of, that it will bring happiness, at least for a moment.
     As I went on my journey today I encountered a homeless gentleman. I went in the gas station and bought him some snacks. For less than three dollars I bought cheese and crackers, chocolate chip cookies, and a cola. I know it wasn't that nutritious, but it was comfort food. I know it won't change anything for this man, but my heart felt called and calmed by doing this.
     I walked over to him and asked how he was as I offered him my small token. He thanked me profusely and asked if I wanted to hear his story. I said I did, and I meant it. He told me he broke his arm and it was slow to heal. His right arm sported a battered. dirty cast. He said he was a truck driver and he lost his job. It wasn't long before he lost the place he lived at. He was trying to get to a friend in town that could help him.
     He said I sounded so familiar to him. I have worked in logistics for almost seven years now. It is entirely possible that at one of my jobs I dispatched him on a truck load I was moving for a customer. You never know. We shook hands and wished each other well.
     It won't change anything, but at least for a moment it felt like it changed the world.

And That Has Made the Difference

     The last several years have thrown me for a loop. I have to be honest, some days feel like each moment is spiraling out of control. I was definitely one of those kids that assumed the adults had or should have it all together, whatever that means. Even though a lot of my experiences as a child never proved this theory out, I still operated fervently under that belief well into my thirties, before I realized that day may never come.
     Just when I think I may have mastered a new skill, overcome a difficulty, or adjusted to a new definition of normal, an event or moment will come along to make me rethink my approach or my view of life or the world.
     Some members of my family have struggled with health issues for years, and some have only recently had to face the struggles that many of us will face if we have the privilege of reaching certain ages. As my beloved grandma, who lived to be 99, always said, "Growing old isn't for babies, it's hard work."
     It is hard work. It is humbling. It is frustrating. It is frightening. And there can also be moments of joy and happiness. I had a friend comment to me that caring for a parent isn't any different than caring for a child. My instinct was to scream that is one of the most off base things I have ever heard. I howled in my soul.
     The person meant well. They are currently mired in the day to day of taking care of young children. They have never really had to care for a parent. To me, it is so different, when the roles are reversed. I wanted to shout at my friend, "Your child is healthy and learning and growing. You see a happy outcome coming someday. They will be fully actualized and go live their own grown-up life. That isn't always the case when caring for a parent. Sometimes the best you can hope for is that they will be able to take a few steps again. Sometimes not even that.
     Last year was the year my dad faced many difficulties with his health and I had to take on some active caring that was difficult for him and me, and also my mom. She has observed more than once in the past that she feels I love him more. That is not necessarily true, but to try to explain that might lead to more pain, more words said than need be said, more difficulty than help. She and I have never been the bonded sort that some mothers and daughters are. Any reasons why, really are not relevant any more through these changed times and circumstances.
     My way to deal with how she and I relate with each other has been to avoid conflict by minimizing contact, by being very focused in interactions. But is that really helpful?
     A dear friend of mine had a very loving relationship with her mother. The two of them always an example of what a faith filled parent/child relationship can look like over a lifetime of growing and changing circumstances. I was blessed to be loved by both this ladies. Unfortunately, my dear friend's mother became very ill. Her mother had a brief reprieve and then the illness came back worse then ever. And through their difficult circumstances I was able to watch my friend and her mother continue to care for each other, to watch what it really means in those hard times to love on someone.
     And another friend of mine when through a different type of painful experience as she was betrayed by friends and family after being abused by someone that was supposed to be called for life to love, protect, and honor her. I watched as she rose from the ashes of those experiences, and now feels a calling on her life, to share a different sort of truth with others, to love those that are hard to love. She does this on a daily basis.
     Having these women in my life, leading by their actual examples of words tied to their deeds and triumph over their circumstances each day, has called and convicted me to work on how I interact with the people in my life. I wish I could say it has changed everything dramatically, like magic all pain has gone, but I cannot.
     I can say that it has helped to work a change in me, it has started a healing in my heart and mind. I work on trying to be more present and positive in my own interactions with people, especially my mother. Is it perfect? No. She still has the ability to push just the right button and then I momentarily throw my convictions to the wind and snipe back with my words. Overall though, we have had better conversations, fonder reminisces, and more of an ease in our time spent together. Do I think she feels this? Maybe. I know I feel it. And that has made all the difference.

Mixed Messages

     I am still at that point where I am trying to process all that happened last year. Some events have left more residual damage than you might think. I know it seems like I would have more important things to worry about than old conversations, but some words still sneak up on me, forcing their way to the forefront, even as I have tried to bury them deep in the past.
     That is the power of words, to create or destroy, to lift up or haunt. I try to keep this all in mind as I work at putting words together to tell my tales. I try to remember that the words I tell my own self are every bit as important, that they will either help me grow and improve as I move forward in life, or they will cause me to slip down the bitter, black hole of self pity and self destruction.
     You would think with all the family health and medical problems we experienced in the last year that I would have a bit of left over trauma associated to some of that. But you might not suspect that one of the things that haunts me the most are the off handed remarks made by an old manager in my months late yearly review.
     Nope, it wasn't the text in the middle of the night that my brother broke his back in an accident, or the need to call the ambulance to have my father end up in the hospital/nursing home for months, or the news that my sister needed emergency surgery that has caused me the most nights of lost sleep.
     It was the casual off the cuff remarks of this manager during my review that gutted me. Was there a problem with my work? Nope. I was at the top of my game in my day job as a logistics coordinator. I had the most books of anyone in my department, at the right profit margins, all while keeping customers, shippers, and drivers happy.
     It was while we discussed some of my personal goals that the words were shared that shook me to my core. I mentioned I had set certain personal goals and was having trouble achieving them because-life. Then this manager, that I had respected because he seemed to embody how to live with faith and character in the work place, passed his judgement on me. "Have you ever thought about the fact that this is God's way of saying no?"
     Day and night. Of course I have thought about that. Who wouldn't? But yet, this same manager, if he encounters a difficulty, would never consider that God was saying no to him. He would say that it was just the devil or society trying to keep him from all the blessings that God means for this man to have. Apparently that doesn't carry over to me in this manager's eyes.
     So, why when he encounters a problem is it the world or the devil trying to stop him and when I encounter a problem it means that God has said no? People wonder why folks struggle with the seemingly mixed messages they receive from church leaders.

     I guess it has to do with perspective. He sees himself in a completely heroic light, as a leader, businessman, and faith filled servant. I suppose he views me as a mere caregiver, a subordinate, one that is meant to make easier the work of those called to do great things.
     This caused me to wonder if that is how everyone sees me, to doubt my desires, my dreams, my purpose. This caused all other problems to be just a little bit harder as it chipped away at my self confidence and faith.
     With the help of my family and friends I was able to re-group, to move forward with my dreams, and to edit and change the narrative I am telling myself.
     By changing my perspective I have been able to start to heal. It gives me a fresh outlook on myself and everyone I encounter. Sometimes it is taking a walk that leads to a new view, or reading a new book. Sometimes it is as simple as sitting in a different seat. Sometimes it is doing research on a new story line that opens up my heart and mind to new possibilities.
     Our cat Frosting has taken to sleeping in the bathroom sink. It really seems to have given him a new perspective. He seems a lot calmer now that he has found this new secure sleeping post.
     I hope you are able to find a new perspective this year, one that will open you up to positive possibilities in your life.

Four Year Old Me Knew

     2019 was a year of challenges. Some of the issues were not directly mine, but when those you love hurt or struggle, and there is little you can do to assist them, that is a special pain and stress. It leaves you feeling fatigued, helpless, and like you are totally failing everyone you care about.
     I started the year with so many plans, to further my hopes and dreams. I was trying to build on the momentum and trajectory I had finally achieved back in 2011.
     2011 year was also a year of setbacks, of three steps forward and two steps back. It was a year of turbulence with my day jobs, trying to find work that would be suited to my still new college degree, and the first time I ever had scary health issues.
     And yet my writing dreams seemed to come true. I had a screenplay receive semifinalist status, I made the top ten percent in another screenplay contest, and entered a picture book in a contest, and it would later win a publishing contract.
     Eventually, by 2014, I managed to get three picture books published with my original digital publisher, but then they sold their entire collection. My books were available with the new publisher through their app for a while, but I had no real rights to my stories any more. Then I received the news that they were no longer interested in most of the collection, including my books.
     Since I wrote to them and asked what would happen to mt books, they reverted the rights back to me, but refused to let me have access to the illustrations, not even an option to buy them. This seemed like a slight setback, but I was still optimistic.
     I was still friends with the illustrator of my original picture book. Happily, he was willing to work with me on creating new illustrations for my picture book. It took months of work, the setup of my own publishing imprint, and my husband's computer skills to help format the book, but just before the end of the year we were able to make Green Goo available for the first time in print and also for Kindle.
     So many devastating disappointments in 2019, health issues for friends and family, health scares of my own, treachery by people that should have been guides or offered assistance,  and so many other seeming failures.
     And yet, with help from family and friends, obstacles were overcome, new beginnings achieved, and fresh starts happened. I have known since I was four years old that I wanted to be a writer, that I wanted everyone to be able to read that stories that I created. I am glad this has been achieved. I hope that 2020 will be a year for more writing and producing, more sharing of my stories and yours.
     When you have a moment, please check out the preview of my picture book that is available online. Please see link below.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1675272034?ref_=pe_3052080_397514860