Saturday, September 15, 2012

Edit and Polish of Pitch Polish Blog Hop Entry for GUTGAA

     It has been an amazing week for me as I have been about exploring other blogs and learning so much from fellow authors. I appreciate each person that stopped by my blog and attempted to decipher my original entry in the Pitch Polish Contest.
     I have been busy this week with many new volunteer opportunities that I have been able to explore due to the slow down in production at my day job. It has been a welcomed change of pace.
     I have also started an exciting new project that was suggested to me by my husband's cousin. I am going to try to adapt my storybook into a stage play for a children's theater group. It has been a great way for me to expand the original story and really explore all the main characters and supporting characters in the story. I am again excited about the story and the process.
     The exercise of exploration also instilled in me a desire to work at my original entry and give it a good going over. So.

The Mystery at Half Moon Lake
Chapter Book/mystery ages 6-10
30,000 Words

Leah is glad it is summer break. Time to sit back and read the mystery/adventure novels she loves so much. Reading will be the highlight of her summer. When the phone rings, that all changes. Suddenly Leah has to hurry and pack as she is invited by her best friend Becca's family to stay with them in the family cottage up at Half Moon Lake. What starts off as a relaxing trip becomes an exploration into the past history of the lake and its early settlers. Leah and Becca will have to rely on each other and their brothers to solve the mystery that haunts the cottage at Half Moon Lake.

Beginning of First Chapter:

Leah sleepily wondered what she might do today as she chased the last fruity flake in her bowl of pinkish tinted milk. It was her day to clean the bathroom she shared with her messy brother. she would rather clean the chicken coup. Maybe Noah would trade with her. He didn't like the chickens. Leah loved to gather the warm eggs and place them carefully in the basket. Her girls would come running, clucking their greetings. Thinking of the chickens running always made Leah laugh out loud.

"What?" asked Noah as he stuffed the last of his toast in his mouth.
"Nothing. I was just thinking," Leah answered, still giggling.
"Why? We're not in school. My brain's on break. I don't have to think any more," said Noah.


  1. It sounds very professional and very interesting. I like you're description of the milk in your excerpt. Good luck and best wishes!

    1. Thank you! I am learning to be a better editor. :)

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  4. You need the hook in the first sentence. In this version, the first paragraph is mainly back-story, and things that I'm not sure will be a major part of the story. If you start with your second paragraph (with some adjusting) it will get you into the meat of the query sooner and give you more room to explore the actual focus of the story.

    1. Did you mean an edit of the query or of the first 150 words?


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